lasts & firsts {unfinished thoughts from the days before..}

..and so we begin transitions from the days of lasts, soon to be the days of firsts..

July 1st, 2016 {40+5}
Waking in the morning, begrudgingly after both kids demanding to get up and watch cartoons and go downstairs ‘and and and’…  finally after managing to get myself out of bed and to the bathroom, I’m met with the beginnings of a bloody show. Strange how I remember exactly the texture of mucus plug from Jack’s pregnancy, but have no memory of how long between when I lost that – and when I went into labour was.  I put a pad on to assess more, and bring the kids downstairs.  I add more air to the slowly deflating birth pool.. Start making my grocery list, and get ready for going to the shop. All I can think about is ‘what if my water breaks when I’m doing the grocery shopping’
I buy strawberries and madeira cake, just in case. And I pick up a bottle of sparkly grape juice to celebrate with the kids afterwards.

– Will this be the last time I go grocery shopping with my belly full of baby? Will next groceries be delivered instead?

Nothing much is happening. But I want the living room cleared up so I don’t have to do it in labour. I don’t feel like this is really nesting – I’m just annoyed partially, and wanting to ensure a smooth preparation and space. Trying to avoid the kids so we aren’t creating arguments and push-pull of tangled feelings.  The kids watch movies, I try to nap… Nothing’s happening, I’m bored – I don’t want to sleep.  The kids play with their friends, running back and forth to different houses and demanding movies between the sun shine and rain. I decide to begin making lasagne in prep for a meal post partum.. maybe making lasagne will be my labour *thing*

– Will this be the last meal I cook while pregnant? Will this be the last meal I eat before I go into labour?

The lasagne is so good.. so. so perfectly what it needs to be. Rich and comforting and wholly decadent. There’s enough left for a meal post partum. Whenever that will be.

Nothing is happening… A few more streaks of blood, painful tightenings but nothing real – just sensation of braxton hicks tightening from my lower uterus all the way up to the top in a big squeeze… nothing wrapping around my back though.  I diffuse some Frankincense and Lavender oil and get the kids to bed. Little details like a hair tie on the mantel piece so I don’t have to ask anyone to search for one when I’m in labour.  I know I need to go to bed, and so I finally make my way up – quickly change the duvet cover, and listen to some gentle music to help drift off to sleep…

– Will I wake in the night in labour?

July 2nd, 2016 {40+6}

I wake, in the morning.. to another kid coming to bed. Very much not in labour. It’s too early, the sun isn’t even up yet.
I remember how I used to wake every morning around 5am and creep down the stairs alone with my pregnant belly.. Just me and my mystery boy within.. How I’d watch the light change, in late pregnancy take early morning walks alone and return to the house before Claire and Steven woke. It was just our own time.. our lasts before the firsts.
And so though I’m tired and really want to sleep, but can’t… I get up – and get into the shower, because I’ve been holding off washing my hair and wasting precious hot water. There’s a bit more blood streaked mucus, but nothing major. Hmph.

– Will this be the last time I shower while pregnant with you?

I’m sitting here listening to the crows. It’s 7am and everyone else is still asleep. I know a nap will be in order for later for me.
I’m here thinking about how we’re on the cusp… of these lasts of you within me, and how bittersweet that is. And the firsts that will be  – like your first breath… The first time you nurse. The firsts of everything are only just about to begin.. and how wondrous and incredible that is! How to drink that all in, knowing how fleeting it is – how my memories will fade in the gloriousness of each one of your firsts.. and in watching your siblings fall in love with you too.